What is a key life skill that is under-utilised and yet when used is amazingly powerful? The answer is  empathy. The dictionary definition of the word empathy is: “the ability to share someone else's feelings or  experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in their situation” and the verb empathise means ”to be  able to understand how someone else feels.”

What is also important about empathy is that the other person gets that you get it. This is about  communication. Many people, especially when dealing with someone else’s difficult emotions/situation, feel  at a loss at how to deal with it, so say nothing which can be much worse than an amateur yet heartfelt  attempt at empathy.  
 
Empathy is an important life skill that is not taught in school or college and so often it is lacking if a person  did not learn it from their parents. Its use acknowledges someone and how they feel. This is especially true  if they are going through a difficult time, empathising with them will make them feel better because they  feel heard and understood. It is useful in many situations at work and at home and is probably more of a  natural female rather than male skill, but one that can be learnt.    
 
When used, empathy, like genuine praise or compassion is immensely powerful and affirming for the  recipient. It is especially important to show understanding and affirmation of someone in order to; show  that you care and show support; to motivate staff through difficult or uncertain times, e.g. an impending  merger or after redundancy; when an individual is going through a difficult or stressful time that they are  struggling to deal with and in a negotiation or mediation situation where the desirable outcome is ‘win  win’, rather than ‘win lose’.  
 
What makes empathy hard for many and why is this?

Empathy can be hard for many people to use or know how to use. This is for a number of reasons:

• They perceive it as being ‘touchy/feely’ so a bit ‘fluffy’, when in fact empathy is actually a powerful feedback tool which can build trust in relationships and motivation at work
• The results from using it feels intangible as the result is a positive feeling shift in this recipient which may not always be shared by them/expressed
• They don’t know how to give it so avoid trying for fear of failure or looking stupid
• They are attached to the comfort and safety of their own opinions and are trapped in the rigidity of their own thinking  
• They are self-absorbed so don’t care about the feelings of others
• They are very practical and pragmatic and don’t ‘do emotion’  
• People and communication are a low priority for the
• They have very strong values and beliefs and are dogmatic in their thinking 
• They are very results oriented, so see spending time on empathy as ‘a waste of time’ 
• They confuse empathy with sympathy and think it’s weak 
• They are pressured and busy, so empathy feels like a ‘nice to have’ when it’s actually an essential communication skill  
• They are intellectually intelligent, but lack emotional intelligence   
  

How not to do empathy

Have you ever been on the receiving end of any of these?

• Someone asks you how you are but it feels like they are going through the motions and making small talk, rather than being genuinely interested
• Someone asks how you are and then cuts you off as you try to reply and starts talking about themselves
• Someone asks you a question about something important to you and then interrupts you
• As you tell someone what is happening to you, they appear distracted and start looking elsewhere or doing something else 
• As you say how you really feel, they change the subject leaving you feeling cut off
• Having bared your soul about what is going on for you, they make no reference to it and start talking about something completely unrelated leaving you feeling stunned at their lack of emotional intelligence  
  

Top 10 tips to be more empathetic

1. Give your full attention to someone and use your body language e.g. mirroring theirs to show them that you are there with them and for them
2. Having listened to what they have to say, synthesise their experience and reflect it back to them verbally, ideally using their words, “So you are feeling…..”
3. Even if you believe from your map of the world that they are pathetic, try to see things through their eyes from their map of the world
4. Don’t judge, criticise, mock or blame them or use inappropriate humour e.g. sarcasm. This is about the worst thing that you could do, especially if they are going through a particularly difficult time
5. Possess a wide range of adjectives, especially for feelings so that you can better empathise rather than using generic descriptors like ‘How awful’ or ‘how terrible’ 
6. Practise using different ways to show your empathy, both verbal e.g. “that sounds really ….” and tactile e.g. touching their arm, remembering that different people will respond to different empathetic approaches 
7. Pair up with a friend, look at and absorb a picture and jot down notes. Next follow them around matching their movements and body language. Then look at the same picture again. This is an amazing exercise, which enables you to see the picture/environment differently through their eyes.  
8. Notice how good you feel when someone is empathetic to you and what it is about what they say and how they say it that is so powerful  
9. Ensure that you are being empathetic rather than sympathetic as the latter can come across as condescending when used in the wrong context e.g. “You poor thing”  
10. Source a great NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) tool called the Meta Mirror that enables you to stand in other people’s shoes and look at things through their eyes  
    

Empathy is a wonderful skill that is very affirming to the recipient. Being understood and thought about is  like oxygen.  Acknowledging people, whether via empathy, feedback or praise is all too often lacking in  modern Western Society, especially Britain. It costs nothing and gives so much. However busy you are, it’s  worth creating time for as an investment in the people you care about or have a vested interest in, e.g.  your team at work. It will give a priceless reward, to them and maybe even to you.